Pour Your Heart Out- Crying.

This was originally written about three years ago, in June of 2007, which was two months after Connor was stillborn.

It’s hard for me to cry. I don’t do it often, and it doesn’t come easily to me. I remember standing there at Elora’s memorial service and thinking I should be crying, but just feeling nothing. It was a long time before I cried again for her, I just couldn’t do it, even though I felt like I needed to let it out.

I cried tonight. I don’t know what triggered it, but suddenly I just felt this wave of overwhelming sadness and the tears started to fall. It amazes me how much better I feel when I just let it out. I wish it wasn’t so difficult for me to do.

Aaron was wonderful as always. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him I didn’t know, I was just feeling sad. So he held me and let me cry. I really don’t know what I’d do without him. There is no possible way I could go on if it weren’t for him. He keeps me strong and sane.

I’m still feeling a lot of bitterness and resentment towards people. I have to remove myself from certain situations or conversations, because I find I just can’t handle them. Of course, the things I can’t handle are primarily dealing with pregnancy and newborns. I am angry that I am not still pregnant, that I don’t get a baby. I find it hard to understand how people who don’t want to be pregnant in the first place, end up delivering healthy, full term babies. Why not me? I know it’s just one of the stages of grief, but this time this stage is hitting me way harder than ever before. Perhaps it’s because I won’t ever be pregnant again, won’t ever have another newborn. Before, I still had that hope that I clung to.

I suppose that could be part of why I am so sad tonight. I had been laying in bed reading a book, and I hopped out of bed to go in the other room and I almost wiped out- I’m not used to the height of our new bed. I thought to myself, ‘it’s a good thing I’m not pregnant or I’d have probably fallen and hurt myself’ and that led to the thought that I better get used to our new bed before I have another baby. But then I remembered I’m not having any more babies, and that I don’t need to worry about that.

I feel so sad that Aaron wasn’t here to enjoy my pregnancy with Connor. He never got to feel him kick, go with me to the appointments to hear his heartbeat. He only was able to see pictures of my belly, the ultrasounds, and even Connor himself. I’m so sad he never got to hold his only son.

It amazes me how far we’ve come since then.  If you’d told me back then, that I’d change my mind and try one more time- and get TWO boys out of it, I’d have thought you were insane.

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