Aaron tried to drive the girls to school today, because of the rain- but they insisted on riding their bikes. I’m sure they arrived all soaked. If I had been the one getting them to school, would have made them go in the car. I probably would have stepped in and had Aaron drive them a few years ago too… but I think I’ve gotten better about letting go and not being in charge of every little aspect of parenting.
I know I have lightened up about other things as well- I used to be really uptight about what the kids wore when they left the house. I would find myself having them change if they or Aaron dressed them in something that didn’t match. And when the girls were younger, I always had their hair done up neatly with bows. But the girls are older now with their own opinions of fashion. And mismatched clothing isn’t going to hurt anything, except maybe my tongue from me biting it.
It’s so hard to let someone else be in control sometimes. Aaron is an amazing father, and I needed to let him parent our kids without me parenting on top of him. I think it’s pretty common though, for mothers to do that with their husbands. I’m pretty sure most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. The only reason I made the conscious decision to step back was because of a book I read a few years back. I wish I could remember the name… but basically it was from the husband’s point of view and I totally saw myself in his obnoxiously annoying nagging wife. I didn’t want Aaron to become resentful of me like the guy in the book had become towards his wife.
The biggest area where I’ve relinquished control is Ryan’s medical care. Aaron has brought Ryan to the vast majority of his appointments and procedures since his cancer diagnosis. I realized that by letting go and letting him be in charge, I’ve eliminated a lot of my stress. Aaron handles stuff like that way better than I do as well.
Recently friends and I were talking about how our spouses would do if something happened to us and they had to be in charge of the kids and the house. Almost every single one of my friends said that their husbands couldn’t do it- that they don’t know enough about the kids schedules and routines to be left on their own. Some even said that they would not be able to leave their kids with their dads for a week as I did when I went to NY to be with my mom when she needed me. They said that even if they had the week off of work, they would still have to get extra help.
Do you notice this among you and your friends too- the mom taking control in the parenting and kind of overruling the dad?
I learned very early on that while my husband might likely do things differently than I would with the kids that they would get fed, they would get bathed, they would get naps, and they would go to bed. It might not be done in the way I would but who said that my way is the only way. I think by trusting that he is a good parent and letting him do it his way when he wants to, helps him feel important, valued, and trusted. To not let him do it his way is a really good way for me to feel angry and resentful that he doesn’t take initiative with the kids. But why would he if I am always there telling him that he isn’t doing it right?
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I am one of those controlling wives/mom’s too. I have learned to just let so much go! My husband is a great dad. He doesn’t do things the way I would but they still get done. Our guys have never gone hungry or left the house naked. Haha! In some area’s he is more protective then I am so I know it’s all good. Have a great day.
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Like Maria, my husband might not do things the way that I would do them (or the way I would like him to do them lol) but if I had to leave him alone with the kids for a few days or a week… I know that everyone would be taken care of, the kids would be fed and bathed and homework would get done and the kids would be in bed on time (thats a huge one for us since my daughter has epilepsy and if she doesn’t get the sleep she needs, her seizures are much worse). I also know that atleast the kitchen and bathrooms would be clean.. the rest of the house, maybe not lol. I had to learn to let go very early on or we’d both be miserable… and while it took a while, I think I can atleast say now that I am completely comfortable with allowing him to do things his way (and for the most part, his way doesn’t bother anymore me because he is really very helpful and involved).
Now the kids and them picking their own clothes… yes I let them 2 older ones pick their own clothes now and yes, my tongue often hurts and I cringe sometimes.. but they are happy and really not hurting anyone, just not my idea of how I want them dressed some days lol. That I am still trying to let go of, not let it bother me so much haha.
Wow this post is so me. I’ve Always been that way, always. … with my ex and now too. I guess having been through deployments didn’t help either because you are FORCED to do it all. I don’t think my husband would not be able to handle things if I were to drop dead or something else, but it would take a LONG time for him to figure stuff out and the girls would likely tell him more what to do or do it themselves. He’s not incapable, I think he acts that way at home because it’s easier to let me do it all, but I know he resents it. I have let him handle a few things, and then I’m all anxious that he didn’t do it right, or didn’t listen to the dr. right, that’s ONE thing I can’t let go, dr. appointments because I HAVE to know what is being said is what the doctor ACTUALLY said. But then again that’s why my doctor has me on meds, because he said if I don’t let some stuff go I’m going to burn out and he’s right. lol So it’s very good that you realize this all earlier than I do, with your blood pressure issues already a concern you need less stress. But still, I wonder most days how my husband finds his way to work, gets things done without my help and comes home. Yet he’s a genius and one of the biggest assets they have. lol
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Oh yeah it’s so hard to let them back in the mix when they come back from a deployment!
I didn’t know till this year, how wonderful my husband truly is. He took care of a 3 and 4I year old, almost without help for nearly 4 months straight. I didn’t have any clue! This is the man who calls me from the grocery store to see which kind of bread to buy! He is an amazing father. He then took care of the kids while I was in the hospital for weeks. I almost feel he does better with the kids than I do. I DO know how lucky I am. Now I have to try to not take him for granted. I love him more than life!
I have such a hard time remembering not to take Aaron for granted, it’s something I’ve been working on.
My husband could totally handle it (because my kids are old enough to tell him what events/classes/lessons/practices) they’d be missing. But I’m pretty sure the sheets in the house would never get changed. A few months ago the 12 year old told me he liked when dad helped him homework more because yelling works. ?! I went on a trip when the kids were little (5 and 3) and although it was hard I let Alex take care of all of it. I had to just realize I can’t make it perfect for my kids and they’ll just have to become better humans because of it.
And that’s a super cute picture.
Thanks! It’s one of my favs
I would LOVE to let my husband have more control. Problem is that he is never home. At the end of this deployment. In 3 1/2 years he will have been home a total of 9 months. If I were to allow him to do more when he is home, when he is gone my entire would would be rocked. Last time he got home from a deployment he was gone two months later for two months of school, then was home for a few months, then gone for training for a month, then home for a few months, and now gone for 13.
I am much looking forward to him coming home this time and dumping some of the responsibility on him. He loves doing it, I just wish he was around to do it more.
Oh yeah- when they come and go like that it’s so hard- we’ve been lucky in that Aaron’s not deployed in the last few years- if he were to leave now though it’d totally throw me, I’m really used to his help now after being spoiled for the past couple years!
Um, yes. I could be much more controlling if I let myself at it. But he is a great father . I don’t know what they’d eat though but they’d be safe and loved
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