I recently read a great blog post written by a fellow dead baby mom and shared it on my blog’s Facebook wall. I was flamed and called “really f*&ked up” by a reader. Thinking it over, I understand that not everyone agrees with the phrase, but it is what it is. I think part of the reason it was so surprising to me to hear that was because I figure if you like my blog’s Facebook page, you read my blog. And if you read my blog, you know me well enough to know that’s what I am.
The more I think about it, the more offended *I* get. I think she was very inappropriate to use that language on someone’s page (and that’s coming from me and I have the worst potty mouth!).
I feel that it’s more offensive when people tell you that your dead baby is an angel, and with God now. It’s very presumptuous to assume someone is religious and that a comment like that would give them comfort.
However, regardless of my personal beliefs, I don’t get bent out of shape when someone refers to my losses as angels. So why should I have to sugar coat it when I use the phrase dead babies? It’s not derogatory. It’s not an insult. It is just a fact. And it’s widely used in the baby loss community.
I’m curious as to what your thoughts are on the topic- and whether or not you have had a loss.
again you know how I feel lol
i Haven’t lost a baby ever, but do know that it must be one of the most terrifying prospects out there, and I imagine that the person who ‘shouted’ at you must have been consumed with the fear that turns into rage. . . the ‘outrage’ that is so easy to point at other people when we can’t stand to look at ourselves…
You already know this, I assume, but I’ll comment anyway.
Your losses are your losses to deal with in any way you can. No one has a right to tell you what’s best for you. I personally, don’t like to talk about them at all, especially, Elora. It breaks my heart.
I tried to conceive another baby for years and that was a painful experience. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child of my own at any point after conception!
I accept what’s best for you. Anyone that really knows you wouldn’t be shocked by anything that you say! You tell it like it is no matter the subject. I’d like to think that’s one trait you DIDN’T get from your mother!
Your Mom rocks. #thatisall
Amen
I saw that and was really taken back. I know nothing about what you went through. Nothing. So I don’t claim to understand what is and is not acceptable when grieving. You experienced so much along with so many who have had to lose a child and I don’t think anyone should be allowed to determine a phrase unacceptable. I know someone who laughed hysterically after being raped. Why? That’s how she dealt. Were people shocked? Yup. Were people offended who had the same experience because they thought she was making it a laughing matter? Yup! Who is anyone else to tell anyone what is and is not ok when dealing with and talking about their loss? And cursing? Not. Necessary.
I seen that, since it was aimed more for people with losses I didn’t comment.
I was completely blown away by her comment calling you f up. Obviously she doesn’t follow you at all.
Maybe though she just recently lost her baby and thats why she said it that way? Who knows. I do know you are an amazing person!!
What I find interesting is that there was NO response to my comment, none. As angrily and happily as they chastised you, none of them had the balls to defend their stance to my comment. WTF? Maybe some of them know of me and my reputation proceeds me. Hell I’m 44 years old, I’ve been around a long time, seen a lot and pretty much these young chickies have no clue what LIFE is. Parenting is hard……..I’ve done it, I’m still doing it, I have a grandbaby, I’m parenting in all stages right now, grown men, teen daughters, 3 year old baby and a 6 month old Audrey babysits. Not much I haven’t seen or done. But yeah, why aren’t they going to jump on ME a total stranger but they feel it’s ok to call you f’d up?
I think everyone gets to call their babies whatever they want, dead babies, losses, angels, anything they want. We lost a little boy on St. Patrick’s Day. And while talking to the kids have called him “Our little leprechaun”. I would be pissed off if someone got offended over what we call our baby.
After a miscarriage and a still birth, I find this phrase to be very adequate. It’s the cold hard truth of what all (or most of) BLM feel about the shitty situation that they are in. I know that for myself I am still very angry, bitter and resentful at the hand I was dealt. I use phrases like that to reflect how I feel about the situation. Maybe one day when I am actually at peace with what happened I’ll call myself “Mommy to an angel” or some such thing but right now I don’t have those feelings and thusly don’t use phrases like that all that often.
I lost my 2nd pregnancy, very early on, like I was only 8 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. Of course at the time I was sad, but at that point, I did not feel like I actually suffered the death of one of my children. I’ve often felt like there was something wrong with me because I was not grief stricken and devestated over the loss. I have friends who suffered similar early losses and who still, 10 years later, talk about the “angel day” of their baby and how they cant wait to see them again in heaven. I don’t GET it… I am a religious person but I don’t feel that I have a child in heaven waiting to meet me someday. I have never spoken of my loss for fear that I will be judged as being uncaring or a horrible person or something. Unfortunately, everyone judges one another. I remember reading about the deaths of your children Jayme and feeling so sad for you…. but I just never felt that my miscarriage was even close to what you experienced.
Brittany! There is Nothing wrong with you! I also lost a pregnancy very early It was at my 8 week ob appointment when we found there was no heartbeat and no development past 6 weeks.. I was sad for little bit but got over it very quickly. It just never really affected anything we got over it and moved on. The loss we just had was on St. Patrick’s day and was completely different.. I was 20 weeks (so it was still a miscarriage) But I had felt him move.. I had talked to him.. He was my child. I am still sad, pissed, and angry.
And BTW anyone who would judge you for not being devastated, or grief stricken isn’t your friend to begin with!
I don’t think you’re weird at all. I’m as straight forward as you are, with less of a potty mouth
and I think there’s nothing wrong.
But again, to each his own. If that woman objected she could have just clicked away. I don’t see why you can’t refer to your kids as you want.
oy!
I have not lost a baby. If I did then I should get to choose how I refer to that baby. It is your baby. You get to choose.
The thing about people telling you that “at least your baby is in heaven with God” or “your babys an angel.” is that it probably comforts THAT PERSON, not you…..at least that is what conclusion I have come to when people make assinine comments about my dead baby being “a rose in God’s garden.” ummm, nope. But it comforted that person, so whatever. IGNORE.
The effed up comment was completely out of line, in my opinion.
I read tons of stuff on FB and online that I disagree with and think the person is effed up.
Do I comment and tell them that?
nope.
Because everyone is allowed to have their own thoughts and opinions, even if I think they are 100% wrong.
we live in AMERICA.
Sometimes it is best to keep our real opinions to ourselves, imo! LOL