Four Years Ago

12 Apr posted by

What do you call it when your baby is born and dies on the same day?  I want to write a birthday post, but it’s also his death day.  I can’t say Happy Birthday, because  it’s not happy to have lost a child.

I think I’ll just share some of last year’s post about him.

On April 11th, 2007 I went in for my 24 week appointment with the MFM only to find out that Connor had no heartbeat. Looking back, I hadn’t felt him move in a couple days- but I’d been extra busy that week. The kids were on spring break, so the six of us (Aaron was deployed) were out and about doing fun stuff and just on the go all the time.

I went to the Naval Hospital where they decided that I needed a D&E. My baby was 24 weeks! I wanted to see him, hold him, say goodbye. They weren’t comfortable with me laboring because of my vertical incision from Elora, and they wouldn’t do a c-section on me for several reasons. Instead, they transferred me by ambulance to the hospital in Bigger-Than-TaterTown Ville.

Meanwhile, Aaron’s friend was working the military system the way only another Marine can do and getting Aaron on a flight home. They started my induction, and just like all my labors, it went fairly quickly. Connor was born on the 12th, in the sac- just like Raime. Since Aaron was coming from Africa, he didn’t make it in time. I delivered with just the nurse and a doula they’d called for me.

The doula was amazing. She totally helped me through it all, and I don’t know what I’d have done without her, since aside from her, I was alone. But then she left a few hours after he was born, and I was alone in a room, no baby, no husband… with just my thoughts. I spent my time texting my LiveJournal, because I’d get the replies via email and I could also check them on my phone. It helped me to feel connected to others right then.

The next evening, I was released and Aaron made it home- at just about the same time. We were able to meet up at the house, and oh it was so good to see him after the deployment and losing Connor!

My sweet tiny mad faced baby boy. His short life seems so surreal. I feel like he was mine. The other kids, they are ours, but I found out I was pregnant with Connor just days after Aaron deployed, and he died and was born before Aaron got home. Aaron never got to feel him kick, go to the appointments, or even see him aside from pictures. It was just me, my own private baby. Sometimes I wonder if I imagined him.


18 Comments
Filed Under: Connor, loss, remembering

On this day…

17 Nov posted by

Four years ago, on November 17th, we were just beginning our first deployment.  Aaron had left two days earlier.  Elora had only been gone about three months.  We knew he was leaving, in fact, he was scheduled to go in September, but they allowed him to join the rest of the guys later because of Elora.  We’d decided a few weeks before he left that we would try for another baby, figuring with the timing that it wouldn’t happen until after he returned.  I was hoping that the stars would align and I wouldn’t have to wait until his return- I have never been one to have patience and once it was decided I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again.

We got lucky- because on this day, four years ago, I took a pregnancy test that came up positive.  It was faint, but I took it very early.  I was thrilled, and petrified.  I would be alone during the pregnancy- for the first six months anyway.  I figured if I had issues like with Raime & Elora, they’d be setting in right around the time Aaron would return, and although I was hoping and praying there would be no problems, I knew that the timing would be perfect if there was.  I was also nervous because Aaron and I had never been through a deployment before, and the thought of being away from my husband for six months was terrifying.


The girls at the airport with Aaron's gear Nov 15, 2006

We know how that pregnancy turned out- Connor was due August 1st, but stillborn at 24 weeks on April 12th.   And for those of you that don’t- here’s a quick recap.  My pregnancy was WONDERFUL.  I felt fabulous, and I wasn’t getting sick like in the past.  I was shocked at my 24 week appointment to learn there was no heartbeat.  When he was born, we learned it was an issue with his umbilical cord that caused him to die.

After that, I was done- just D.O.N.E.   I had no desire to try again.

But then, almost two years later, we starting thinking about it… thinking about how if only Connor’s umbilical cord had been normal, he’d probably be here with us.  How it wasn’t my body that failed this time.  We started having hope, that perhaps we could try one last time for our final baby.   We talked about potential upcoming deployments (I didn’t want him to miss the pregnancy, just in case).  We discussed it with my doctor.  And we decided we’d go for it, we’d try again.  But only for a couple months, because of timing with deployments, the school year, etc.   If I didn’t get pregnant within a specific time frame, we’d stop and try again after he returned.

I’d debated not trying during November, because I didn’t want to be due in August, even though that would be perfect with the upcoming deployment because both Raime & Connor were due in August.  But it was right during our three month window of when I wanted to get pregnant, and I didn’t want to cut it short and end up having to hold off for another year or two just because I was being superstitious.

Then, on this day in 2008, I took a pregnancy test.  It was early- my period wasn’t even late.   But it was positive.  And so were several others that I took that day!  My due date would be the same as Connor’s- August 1st.   I was pretty freaked out but also cautiously excited.  And then later to learn it was twins?  Craziness.

So on this day in 2010, I am happy to announce that I am NOT pregnant, and have no plans to be.


25 Comments
Filed Under: Connor, Pour Your Heart Out, remembering, twins

Connor’s Day.

12 Apr posted by

April is not the best month for our family.  In 2001, Raime was stillborn in April.  Then in 2007, it was Connor.

On April 11th, 2007  I went in for my 24 week appointment with the MFM only to find out that Connor had no heartbeat.  Looking back, I hadn’t felt him move in a couple days- but I’d been extra busy that week.  The kids were on spring break, so the six of us (Aaron was deployed) were out and about doing fun stuff and just on the go all the time.

With Aaron gone, I had no idea what to do.  The MFM wanted me to go over to the Naval Hospital directly, but instead I called Aaron’s friend and went home to wait for him to meet me there and grab the girls.  My appointment was the morning after the big boys went back to school so they were back at their dad’s.

I went to the Naval Hospital where they decided that I needed a D&E.  My baby was 24 weeks!  I wanted to see him, hold him, say goodbye.  They weren’t comfortable with me laboring because of my vertical incision from Elora, and they wouldn’t do a c-section on me for several reasons.  Instead, they transferred me by ambulance to the hospital in Bigger-Than-TaterTown Ville.

Meanwhile, Aaron’s friend was working the military system the way only another Marine can do and getting Aaron on a flight home.  They started my induction, and just like all my labors, it went fairly quickly.  Connor was born on the 12th, in the sac- just like Raime.  Since Aaron was coming from Africa, he didn’t make it in time.  I delivered with just the nurses and a doula they’d called for me.

The doula was amazing.  She totally helped me through it all, and I don’t know what I’d have done without her, since aside from her, I was alone.  But then she left a few hours after he was born, and I was alone in a room, no baby, no husband… with just my thoughts.  I spent my time texting my LiveJournal, because I’d get the replies via email and I could also check them on my phone.  It helped me to feel connected to others right then.

The next evening, I was released and Aaron made it home- at just about the same time.  We were able to meet up at the house, and oh it was so good to see him after the deployment!   The girls of course were ecstatic to see him as well.

My sweet tiny mad faced baby boy. His short life seems so surreal. I feel like he was mine. The other kids, they are ours, but I found out I was pregnant with Connor just days after Aaron deployed, and he died and was born before Aaron got home.  Aaron never got to feel him kick, go to the appointments, etc.   It was just me, my own private baby.  Sometimes I wonder if I imagined him.


16 Comments
Filed Under: Connor, loss, remembering