Baby Baby Baby Oh

13 Nov posted by

So the Duggar’s are having baby #20.  I’m sure most of you have heard the news- it’s sparked lots of debates.  I’d like to share my opinions on  one of them- as it was the same decision I have made- having another child after early onset preeclampsia.

It’s risky.  When preeclampsia  hits in the second trimester as it did when I was pregnant with Raime in 2001, the chance of it recurring is pretty much guaranteed.  The question is when- will it be early again, or will it wait until the end of pregnancy where it’s much safer to deliver a baby?  And there’s always the risk of post-partum preeclampsia, where it hits after the baby is born.  Since the ‘cure’ for preeclampsia is delivery, that one is the most scary to me.

At 22 weeks pregnant, my blood pressure was in the stroke zone.  My liver and kidneys were shutting down. Bottom line, if I didn’t deliver, I would die.  However, by delivering my baby, I was killing her- see she wasn’t big enough to survive outside of the womb yet.

It was a horrible thing to go through.  I started to say it was a horrible decision to make, but it really wasn’t a decision.  Either the baby dies, or we both die.  I had three other kids, a husband, and while the thought of going on after losing a child was terrifying, the idea of not being around to watch my other kids grow up was worse.

So back to the Duggars.  People are saying she’s selfish for getting pregnant again, after delivering Josie at 25 weeks, and all of the medical issues that accompany a micropreemie.  I’m sure some thought the same about me when I got pregnant with Lili just a few months after losing Raime.

But what if Josie and Raime were our first babies- put aside the argument of how many kids are enough for a family.  While there is no cure for preeclampsia, there are some steps you can take to try to prevent or delay it from occurring.  And sometimes just delaying it by a week or two can make the difference between a baby that has a chance at survival or not.

When I was pregnant with Lili, I had total faith in my doctors.  I knew they were watching me carefully and would do everything in their power to keep my baby and me healthy.  I also knew that I would never be allowed to get as sick as I was with Raime again- there would be interventions well before that stage.

Yes, there was no guarantee I’d even be pregnant long enough to bring a baby into the world who had a fighting chance, BUT it was worth the risk to me.  I wanted another child so much that the fear of losing another wasn’t enough to deter me.  And the fact that I went on to go into labor without being induced and deliver Lili without preeclampsia at 35 weeks shows that you can successfully have a baby after having early onset preeclampsia.

I get that having 20 kids isn’t for everyone.  I can understand the debates about if each kid gets enough quality time with the parents, the cost of raising such a huge family, and other topics.  But I guess all the people criticizing Michelle Duggar for getting pregnant again simply because her last pregnancy ended in the second trimester because of preeclampsia has struck a nerve with me.


13 Comments
Filed Under: in the news, preeclampsia

Please Help the Babies

17 Apr posted by

Elora, one week old.

We are walking to raise money for the March of Dimes on May 15th.  Not just for the babies we’ve lost- Raime, Elora and Connor- but also for Mia, Ryan and Dylan who all spent time in the NICU because of prematurity.  I hope some day that NO baby comes early.   By supporting the MoD, we can help fund research to prevent preeclampsia and HELLP.

Will you help us save the babies?


4 Comments
Filed Under: HELLP, loss, March of Dimes, remembering

Remembering Raime

17 Apr posted by

Nine years ago, I was in labor with my fourth baby, and Aaron’s first.  My first baby girl after three boys.   We’d only been married a few months, and I wasn’t due to deliver for another 4 months.  Unfortunately, I developed HELLP Syndrome, and at only 23 weeks pregnant, had to be induced in order to save my life.

We didn’t know for sure that we were having a girl.  At the big 20 week ultrasound, Raime was in a position in which the tech couldn’t get a clear shot between her legs.  She also couldn’t see a few other vital organs clearly, so we were asked to come back in two weeks.  She was measuring a bit small, but the tech said that could be due to the positioning and inability to get good measurements.

I wasn’t concerned in the least.  I’d had three prior healthy pregnancies and babies.  I was so excited that I was probably carrying a girl, and that we’d get to have another scan in two weeks.  I naively thought everything was going well.

Two weeks later at my follow up, she was still measuring small.  In fact, she’d shown pretty much no growth in between the two ultrasounds.  This wasn’t good, not at all.  The tech called the doctor to come in- not standard practice- normally they’d send the results over and it would get discussed at my next OB appointment.

The OB took a look, and took my blood pressure.  And that’s when all hell broke loose.  I was immediately put on a gurney on my left side, and given injections of meds and an IV was started.  They brought me down to labor and delivery, where they continued to up the doses of meds in hopes to bring my blood pressure down to a better range.  Labs were drawn.  Lights were dimmed to lessen any stimulation, and the rails on my bed were padded, in case I started having seizures.

I was still thinking everything was going to be OK.  I was at the hospital, they’d fix stuff and send me home to finish out the pregnancy.  My nurse mentioned staying until I delivered.  I couldn’t believe I’d be there for another four months, and said so.  She said she doubted I’d make it to term.  I worried about what to do with my other three kids while I was hospitalized.  It happened to be spring break, and my father and his wife were visiting, so I had a week of help, and a week to figure out what to do after they left.

They put me on mag sulfate and Demerol.  I couldn’t get out of bed, and wasn’t allowed to eat.  The drugs made me loopy, and the days passed in a blur.  I honestly don’t remember much of that time.  I know I had my ex come to Hawaii from NY to get the kids, because I thought I’d be there for a long time.

Labs were drawn every 8 hours.  My platelets were dropping, and my liver and kidney functions were decreasing.  My blood pressure was not improving.  They said there was a chance I’d need dialysis.  They told me if we tried to hold out any longer, I could start losing brain functions as well.  I could die.

But my baby needed to grow more- she’d stopped growing before 20 weeks.  She was tiny- too small to save.  If I agreed to the induction to save my life, I’d be giving her a death sentence.  In the end, I knew I had to do it, I had three other kids I needed to live for.  But it wasn’t easy.  Pushing her out when I knew that by doing it, I was ending her life, was the hardest thing I have ever done.  She passed away during the pushing phase, and was born in the caul.  It’s supposed to bring good luck, or good fortune…

Until she was born, we weren’t 100% sure she was a girl.  I’d always wanted to name a baby girl Raime, after my best friend who was killed in a car accident when we were 17.  When I was pregnant with my oldest, I went to Raime’s parents to ask their permission to use the name.  They gave it to me, but her father said I was carrying a boy, and wouldn’t need to use it at that point.

She was beautiful, and oh so tiny.  She had blonde peach fuzz hair… and Aaron’s ears.  I know if she’d been able to open her eyes, they’d have been the gorgeous blue like his as well.  She had long legs and fingers and toes.  There was not a thing wrong with her, she was genetically and physically perfect.  It was my body that failed.

Through the years, I have made peace with Raime’s death.  She brought Aaron and I closer together.  She helped me appreciate my kids even more.  If she hadn’t gone, we wouldn’t have Lili.  I’ve made the choice to be thankful for the life lessons she’s taught me.

I used to be upset that we didn’t have more pictures of her.  I had my camera with me- I had taken photos of the flowers Aaron brought me in the hospital.  It never occurred to me to take her picture, or take a picture of us holding her.  The nurse did take hospital photos- but not until later, and she didn’t look like herself by then.  Her skin had darkened.  But you know, all these years later, I don’t even need to look at those six hospital photos- I still remember every last detail of her perfectly.

My family wouldn’t be where we are today if it weren’t for Raime.


12 Comments
Filed Under: HELLP, loss, Raime, remembering

The Superbowl Anti-Abortion Ad.

8 Feb posted by

I know a couple other bloggers that I read regularly have already posted on this topic, but I decided I wanted see if perhaps I could reach a few more people that don’t read those blogs. The beliefs of these women vary from one end of the spectrum from the other- from being pro-life to pro-choice. But they all agree on one thing- the commercial’s message sucked.

The story behind the ad is that Pam Tebow wasn’t supposed to have her son, for several reasons. In a coma for amoebic dysentery right before the pregnancy, she was given some serious meds that weren’t compatible with carrying a baby to recover. They recommended abortion, because surely the baby would have crazy stuff wrong with it. Later on, her placenta partially abrupted and again abortion was recommended. But she was pro-life, and had faith in God that her baby would be ok, and he was.

There’s a community here online, full of women who’ve lost babies they so desperately wanted. As a card carrying member of this deadbaby club for almost nine years now, I have heard hundreds of stories of loss. There are mothers out there, so religious, so faithful to their God- who have had placental abruptions and ended up losing their babies. Some have even lost their own lives. I doubt these ladies didn’t have enough faith. But they don’t get to tell their stories like Pam Tebow on national TV- you know, because they’re DEAD.

I am all for having faith, and believing everything will be ok- but you have to draw the line somewhere. And it’s a personal decision. Choosing to end a much wanted pregnancy that is threatening the mother’s life is not an easy thing to do. But according to Pam Tebow, and the whole Focus on Family campaign, you’re wrong for doing so. But I disagree. Was I not focusing on my family when I chose to induce my labor at 23 weeks with Raime? If I hadn’t and died, I’d have left the three children I’d already given birth to without a mother.

A little back story for those who don’t know- in 2001 I was pregnant with my fourth baby, a little girl that we named Raime. At 22 weeks, I went in for a routine ultrasound and it was discovered that she’d pretty much stopped growing a few weeks prior. She was still alive, but my life was hanging in the balance. I’d developed preeclampsia. My blood pressure was in the stroke zone and my liver and kidneys were shutting down. I was eventually diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome, and the only cure is delivery.

I spent a week in the hospital where they tried everything to prolong my pregnancy, but I was very sick. My platelets had dropped and surgical delivery wasn’t an option. They weren’t sure if I’d regain function of my kidneys, or if I’d need dialysis. I had to have the baby if I wanted to live, but that meant she would not. Since she’d stopped growing, she was small for her gestational age, too small to intubate. Pushing her out was the hardest thing I have ever done, knowing that I was giving her a death sentence to save my life.

Now, according to Focus on Family and Pam Tebow, I should have just had faith. If I only had faith, and stayed pregnant, everything would have worked out. That would have been nice, but we’d both be dead then, not just Raime. The last thing I wanted to do was give birth 17 weeks too soon, but really, I had to. I had a husband and three little boys to live for, and by staying pregnant, I would not have lived, no matter how much faith I had.

I agree that there are times where miracles occur, where the medical professionals are incorrect. There are situations where the doctors tell you there’s no hope, only to be proven wrong. And it’s totally ok to hope and pray for that to happen to you. But you have to draw the line somewhere, especially when more than one life is at stake, like with a pregnant woman. And that’s a blurry line, and a very personal decision- not one some woman on TV is going to make for me.

3 Comments
Filed Under: HELLP, in the news, loss, preeclampsia

Preemies, Loss and Grief.

1 Feb posted by

There was a new episode of the Duggar’s show on last night- it was the one where she gives birth to Josie 15 weeks early via emergency c-section because of preeclampsia. I wanted to watch. I do like the show. And I was very curious to see how they handled the topics of preeclampsia and micropreemies.

But then, I thought about it. I thought about all the memories and feelings that just THINKING about watching caused to come flooding back. And I didn’t want to go there. I don’t want to be pulled back into that place, that dark void that is grief and deadbabies.

To go back to NICUs… to see a tiny baby hooked up to tons of machines. Just remembering brings back the smells, the sounds… the fear. You never know what the day will bring… what the hour will bring- when you have a 1 pound baby in the NICU fighting to live.

And I will admit, I knew if I watched I’d be feeling bitterness and jealousy. WHY is their baby alive, when mine died? WHY? It’s not fair, I don’t understand. I was so sure Elora was coming home with us, so absolutely convinced. Sure I was scared, but in the back of my mind, I just KNEW she’d be ok.

Logically, I know that baby Josie isn’t out of the woods. She’s only a month old. At one month, Elora was doing great. She didn’t die until she was two months old, and it hit so fast. There was really no time to think, we were told to get to her bedside and before we knew it, she was gone.

I hope that the Duggar’s baby overcomes all the odds, and they get to bring her home. I hope that she doesn’t suffer from any of the delays or disabilities so common in micropreemies. I will be rooting for her, wishing for the best. But that doesn’t mean I won’t wish it wasn’t my baby that lived. Even after three years, and the birth of two healthy living babies, it’s so hard.

1 Comment
Filed Under: Elora, grief, loss, preeclampsia
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